and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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