Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
