He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
