i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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