I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
