I just threw up on my dentist
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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