I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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