Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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