She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
