I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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