I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
