you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
