but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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