I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
