Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He passed out mid-signature
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
