There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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