Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
