i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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