Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize