took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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