grandma shit on top of the toilet
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
