i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
