watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
