Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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