she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
