who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
