Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
