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I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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