Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize