apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
