I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
