i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
