Just fell off a train. Bad.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Someone came in the potted fern
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
