for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
