i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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