I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
