you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
