Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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