like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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