He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
