how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
