A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
