i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize