Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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