If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
