I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize