After last night, I could never be a politician.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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