I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
