Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
