how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
