too bad you live with your parents still
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Found the puke drawer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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