ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
