I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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