then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
